It’s Mother’s Day.  I am sitting on my screened porch listening to my seventeen year old son play the guitar.  My wife is preparing for a final exam in a subject she doesn’t like, so that she can get a certificate that might help her get a job to help our son pay for college.

My wife has been a “stay-at-home” mom for all of our son’s life.  Not to say she didn’t work outside the home, we simply arranged our schedules and finances so that we did not need others to help raise our child. 

We have known since he was born that he would go to college.  We probably could have done more to save money.  We could have a 529 plan, or a simple savings or investment account or educational IRA.  But we chose to plan to pay for college this way, because we did.  Part of the issue is simply that the cost of college education has risen faster than the cost of living every year since I graduated in 1985.  Part of the issue, is that we had to choose between private school education, having mom at home, having me work without regular travel, having vacations, having a reasonable retirement savings, and this is what we chose.  Like most American families, we can’t afford to have it all.  We have to choose.

Still I am very proud of our son, who graduated public high school with a higher than a 4.0 grade point average.  He has worked hard.  He has a lot of advantages.  Two parents, living together, that spend time with him every day.  Two parents who are actively concerned for his well being.  Two parents who have learned to partner effectively to accomplish a difficult mission:  raising a child. 

While our son has not been deprived of material things; he has a computer, a guitar, a used car, and a couple of game consoles.  We always have made him make choices.  He had to save half for big purchases, and make small purchases out of his allowance.  He has it all, yet most of his friends would not consider him “spoiled”.  He will share what he has, and is friendly and kind to most, and genuinely humble, so much so that his peers and his teachers recognize it.  His guitar was bought for $99 on a Groupon, and he loves it.  He isn’t materialistic – he is intense and artistic, like his mother.  He is somewhat analytical and outspoken like his father. 

Why am I telling you all this:  Because I believe that parenting matters.  I believe that the values and morals by which a parent lives and which they explain in their words and display through their actions matters.  I believe that the caring that a child experiences matters.  Family is important.  Family can produce the sense in a child that she is wanted, significant, competent, capable, powerful.  Family can produce a sense of identity, belonging.  Parents and family can provide basic affirmation that we all crave.

The problem is that parenting and family don’t always have a positive effect on children.   Parents fill their children up with whatever they themselves are filled with.  As such, our society and government have tried to figured out how to create family alternatives, so that children in families that cannot care for them can get some basic level of care.  The oldest examples are orphans (whose parents die or physically leave them behind).  Then we have foster care (for kids of parents who prove incapable of providing basic care for their children, either via abuse or negligence).  We had adoption, which allowed parents with capacity to adopt children of parents without capacity, but in my opinion, we have allowed legal entanglements and ridiculous costs to make this option unsustainable, except for the wealthy.

I do not mean to say that family alternatives in themselves are not a necessity, or that they are not a benefit to neglected kids from incompetent families.  They are certainly both of these.  My point is this, shouldn’t we be focusing on the problem (incompetent families) rather than exclusively focusing on the symptoms (neglected kids).

We also have got to the point, where we expect schools and athletic programs to do a certain amount of basic parenting.  Many kids get more of a sense of being valued from their instructors at school, than they do from their parents.  They feel more respect for their coaches than they do for their fathers.  It could be that their parents are simply less involved, or it could be that they are focused on producing enough income to meet basic needs, or it could be that they are so self involved or screwed up that even their involvement with their kids is destructive.

In any case, it is clear that the kids have a need for affirmation and when it is not met at home, they seek external sources of affirmation.  Truly this is the attraction of gang life, it is designed by people who had the same lack, and it attracts kids who need it.  This truly appears to young people as an alternative family.  All those things a family can provide, the gang is a powerful source of. 

These are the facts, as I see it.  So our society, our government, recognizes all of the symptoms of weakening families, their approach to solution is short-sighted, focusing only on symptoms.  All of their proposed solutions ease today’s symptoms while deepening tomorrows problems.  As the government puts more parenting responsibility on schools and educators it simultaneously weakens the education system, while weakening the family as a social unit.  How? By giving extra responsibility to schools, it takes them off the mission of education.  By moving responsibilities from families, rather than strengthening families it is slowly eroding the value and position of the family unit in society, ultimately placing more responsibility on government and community.

We, the American people, over these last 30 years, have become accustomed to this.  We, for a good part, have delegated the teaching of moral values to schools.  We have become desensitized to the fact that we are allowing others to do a significant part of the work of building character into our kids.

Sure there is a home schooling movement that is growing every year.  And many parents who are financially able, send their children to private schools.  This, however, is more likely due to the parents reaction to some of the issues endemic to the public schools (discipline, dogmatic indoctrination) that they want to avoid.  These parents, for the most part, are already actively pursuing the things that will increase their children’s probability of adult success.

We all say that we want “a better life” for our kids.  Virtually every parent on the planet, certainly in the USA says this.  I am not sure many of us have a well thought out concept of what a better life is.  Most of us, if pressed, probably would point to economic advantage, as what we mean; less financial struggle, greater opportunity for “the pursuit of happiness”. 

What I want for my kid is an improved character.  Less procrastination, more perseverance.  A bigger (than I had) vision for his life and accomplishment.  Devotion and commitment to causes larger than himself.  I want him to have the confidence, and maturity to step on to the large stage that is adult life and command the attention of the audience. 

We live in a land that pride’s itself on individual rights and freedoms.  It’s about time that we pride ourselves on our responsibilities, and our commitment to society, through the development of our family. 

On my first job out of college, I had the privilege of working with a man named Leo Hughes.  Leo was about the same age as my father, and had worked most of his adult life as a delivery driver.  He had put 3 kids through college, even though he himself couldn’t read or write very well.  Not only this, but he was full of joy, and was a joy to be around.  The weeks that he went on vacation, and I had to fill in on his delivery route, were difficult, because in spite of his illiteracy, he was extremely good at his job and his co-workers and customers all liked him.  I look to Leo and men like him as a role model.  You don’t have to be a big cheese, to have a big impact.

Its about time we all grow up, and stop focusing on me, me, me – so that we can live in ways that benefit all of us, starting with our own kids.  And our society, and government will get a strong message – family is important.